Since I can remember I’ve always had this voice. When I was a child it wasn’t a problem. Children often have imaginary friends, right? And it wasn’t like he was talking to me all the time…
When I was about 10 years old I started to have doubts about the voice in my head. After my little run in with the pervert psycho, after that day I’ve changed. Because of that stupid-psycho-ass-wannabe-a-man I relived that day over and over again. I had nightmares and everything but what intrigued me was that voice. I remember perfectly that I froze, I couldn’t talk, move or think but a voice inside my head kept telling me to run, to kick, to shout, to do something. I was used to that voice because all my life I heard it when he wished me good night, or told me to be careful with the playing.
I didn’t know what it was but I was curious about it. It had to be something more than just me being psychotic. But of course, being young I thought I was crazy. I saw these movies about people who hear voices. Every time they ended up bad… like psych ward bad. I read this book once, about a girl who saw ghosts and she ended up hunted by greedy people who wanted to use her. Of course, before that, everyone thought she was psychotic and she received meds and a presidential suite in psych ward. Thanks, but no thanks. So I didn’t tell anyone about my voice.
Maybe I was crazy, but not as crazy as to dig my own grave…
Time passed by and I finally decided it was the time to make a stand. I had to find out if the voice was just in my head or something was off, because let`s face it, no one at my age wants to know that she`s crazy. But I didn’t think that it was just in my head… It was a feeling.
So I started to talk with that voice in my head. Ok, this doesn`t sound too healthy but it was everything that I could do in this situation. I made up some question like: Who killed Nero, when did Machiavelli live, when was Stalin born, where was Hitler born, who was the greatest leader in Japan. Questions that I couldn’t possibly know the answer. I hated history with passion so I didn`t know the answers.
When my voice answered me, and the answers were pretty cool and very true I’ve panicked… what the fuck was with me…
The voice was a he, Ash, and I wasn’t crazy. No sir, I wasn’t.
He told me that he was my friend and from now on I should start listen to him when he tells me that I have stupid ideas.
After my discussion with Ash, he became a big part of my life. He was my friend, my protector, my guardian and also my tormentor.
Of course he told me that he was sorry that he couldn’t help me much when I had problems but he assured me that he will always be there for me and he will try to help me as much as he can.
And I quote:
“So little one, when I tell you that your ideas are stupid you should listen to the voice”.
He was sarcastic but he meant it.
I can’t wait to tell you about my first date with a boy and with Ash in my head. That’s a date that I don’t wish to remember…